Editor’s Note: It may not always seem that way, but we’re actually pretty busy people here at Dystopian Dance Party. So when it came time to put together our Dystopian Dance Mix for August, we decided to try an experiment and outsource it to a guest poster. Unfortunately, the only person willing to do it was Blake Whiteman, a representative from Sexual Health and Abstinence Resources and Training of Howell, Michigan, who saw it as the perfect opportunity to educate today’s youth on the dangers of premarital sex. To be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about the results; like I said, though, we’re busy people, so fuck it, I’m posting it anyway. Please enjoy this guest playlist, and remember to direct all complaints to Mr. Whiteman. Or just post them in the comments, I guess. – Z.H.
Back in the good old days, there wasn’t any need for “sex education.” Teachers, pastors, and other authority figures like yours truly used to be able to just round up a bunch of twelve-year-olds, explain to them that the hair growing on their bodies is because they touch themselves at night, and send them home with a Bible and a chastity belt, knowing they’d keep it in their pants because that was what their Lord and Savior commanded. These days, things aren’t so easy. Our culture has become saturated with sex; it’s gotten to the point that decent people can’t turn on the TV, visit our Internet sites, or close our eyes without being assaulted by images of nubile young bodies grinding all up against each other. So some of us–including my organization, Sexual Health and Abstinence Resources and Training–have decided to fight fire with fire: to teach abstinence using the same depraved popular culture that otherwise turns teenagers into frothing-at-the-mouth, inhibition-less hornbeasts.
The music on this playlist is intended to educate our youth about the dangers of premarital intercourse: from STDs to pregnancy to bad relationships and beyond. Load it onto your Walkman or your touch phone and play it every time you or your friends think about “doin’ the nasty,” or whatever you kids call it these days. Hopefully, after listening to these songs, you will never want to have sex again. But if you do, just remember: you’re probably going to Hell.
1. Prince and the Revolution: “Temptation”
(from Around the World in a Day, 1985)
Unlike the card-carrying perverts who run this blog, I’m no fan of the Closeted Homosexual Currently Known as Prince (and yes, I did come up with that crushing quip all by myself). I don’t have the facts to back this up, but I’m fairly certain that his music was responsible for at least 75% of the teenage pregnancies between the years 1982 and 1987; plus, that wispy moustache of his gives me the willies. But the dirty little imp did at least accomplish one worthy thing in his inexplicably long career: in 1985, just months after corrupting America’s youth with his theatrically released softcore porno Purple Rain, he issued “Temptation,” a much-needed musical confession of his sins that ended with an acknowledgement that “love is more important than sex” and a promise that he would go away for an undisclosed period of time. If that was the end of the story, he may have even won me over. But predictably enough, he didn’t make good on either statement: he was back the next year with another album, Parade, and another movie, Under the Cherry Moon, which I’m pretty sure is a double entendre for something unspeakable. It’s just like I’ve always said ever since I came back from my college missionary trip to Thailand: never, ever trust a man in lingerie.
2. Fat Boys: “Protect Yourself/My Nuts”
(from Crushin’, 1987)
While the Fat Boys probably meant well with this public service announcement, they only succeeded in lulling their listeners into a false sense of security, flippantly claiming that condoms are an easily obtained cure-all to the epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases. Certainly everyone can agree that keeping sex within a marriage is the only 100% effective way of preventing pregnancy and contracting STDs. Condoms are simply a way to justify sin, a supposedly “safe” way to indulge in extramarital intercourse and misuse sex to fulfill our fleshly desires, rather than to obey God’s command to be fruitful and multiply. Besides, I don’t recommend taking advice on any topic from three men who based their entire career on the promotion of gluttony. Even segue song “My Nuts” takes what could have been a touching celebration of male friendship and ruins it with a lot of lowbrow double-entendres. Well, Fat Boys, I happen to have three “nuts”: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and they’re all the “protection” I need.
3. Van Halen: “Jamie’s Cryin'”
(from Van Halen, 1978)
Today, Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth is a gift to abstinence educators like myself: I mean, just take one look at that mug and you’ll never be aroused again. But even back in his late ’70s and early ’80s heyday, he still did a pretty good job of warning impressionable young girls about the dangers posed to their maidenhood by long-haired rock and rollers in assless chaps. The protagonist of Van Halen’s “Jamie’s Cryin'” gave it up too fast to someone who I can only assume was wearing a pink Spandex halftop and bouncing around on a gigantic inflatable microphone immediately pre-coitus; now she’s all alone, with nothing but her regrets and her ruined virtue to keep her company. So remember, ladies, take it from me, and don’t take it from Diamond Dave and his ilk–or else you’ll be crying too.
4. Next: “Too Close”
(from Rated Next, 1997)
Erections happen to the best of us, by which I mean just men. Although they certainly serve their purpose in the act of procreating, in every other situation they are an irritating reminder of our constant fight over the flesh. While “Too Close” might at first sound like an ode to all things stiff and throbbing, listen again: “Baby us dancing so close / Ain’t a good idea / Cuz I’mma want you now and here.” This is clearly a song about resisting temptation. The moral here is, step back, don’t dance too close… or better yet, if you can’t control your sinful thoughts, don’t dance at all. And certainly don’t do any of that “freaky dancing.”
5. Rick Derringer: “Teenage Love Affair”
(from All American Boy, 1973)
“Jamie’s Cryin'” gave us a portrayal of ill-considered teenage lust from the female perspective; with “Teenage Love Affair,” guitarist and noted albino associate Rick Derringer was “kind” enough to give us some insight into the mind of the male party. I suspect that his story, about hooking up with a fifteen-year-old hussy who then proceeds to sleep around behind his back, is meant to be titillating. But it reads more to me like the pathetic confessions of a sex addict: Derringer sings, “it didn’t take long ’til I found out / There’s a lot of sexy girls out there / And I’ve got a cosmic need for teenage love affairs.” Put away the satin pants and find Jesus, Rick; it’s not too late!
6. A Tribe Called Quest: “The Infamous Date Rape”
(from The Low End Theory, 1991)
I don’t actually teach my students about date rape; there’s no need, when girls are guaranteed to avoid sexual assault if they simply follow my golden rude of never being alone unsupervised with a member of the opposite sex. But this track from hippity-hoppers A Tribe Called Quest at least makes for good evidence of what can go wrong when you break the golden rule: at worst, you might actually be date raped; at best, some punk named after a personal hygiene product will accuse you of being bitchy because you’re on your period. Either way, I think you’ll agree it’s best to keep things chaperoned before they get out of hand.
7. Cherrelle: “I Didn’t Mean to Turn You On”
(from Fragile, 1984)
Here’s another one for you, ladies. You might think that being cute and giving it up to any guy who pokes you in the butt with his boner will make you more desirable, but this is a trick of the devil. Women certainly bear the brunt of the responsibility because, unlike men, they are far less sexual and are better able to control their sexual impulses. Unfortunately, many young women choose to use these God-given gifts to tempt and manipulate men. Cherrelle perfectly describes the pitfalls of denying a man sex before marriage. Sure, men will ask for it, even expect it, but your job as women is to keep us men on track by guarding your own chastity as well as ours.
8. George Michael: “I Want Your Sex (Parts I & II)”
(from Faith, 1987)
And wouldn’t you know it, here’s an example of those overly-persistent men you members of the fairer sex need to watch out for. George Michael’s sexual urges were apparently so out of control at the time of his 1987 album Faith that he felt the need to devote no less than three song-length portions of the album to demanding sexual gratification from an unnamed partner (I did you all a favor and included only parts one and two, because nobody needs to be exposed to all twelve minutes of this convicted sex offender’s raving). Little wonder that Michael would be arrested just over ten years later for exposing himself to a plainclothes police officer; clearly, this is a man who cannot rein in his inhibitions. And yes, George, sex is “natural” and “fun”–but only when it takes place between a man and a woman in the marital bed as God intended, not in public restrooms with undercover cops.
9. Jermaine Stewart: “We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off”
(from Frantic Romantic, 1986)
Now here’s a song with a message I can actually get behind: a true abstinence anthem released in the very midst of hedonistic hits by unrepentant sinners like the aforementioned Prince and George Michael. I was actually shocked years later by my discovery that Jermaine Stewart was a gay, since lines like “girl, I’m not a piece of meat / Stimulate my brain” are so redolent of the masculine qualities of self-restraint and stoicism. Personally, I like to put this as both the first and last track of a mix CD I give to every woman I date. None of them have called me back yet, but that’s okay–I’m pretty sure they’re all just intimidated by how pure I am.
10. Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam: “I Wonder If I Take You Home”(from Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam with Full Force, 1985)
Like Cherrelle’s “I Didn’t Mean to Turn You On,” this mid-’80s R&B hit can be a source of support for young women to remember their role and put on the brakes when things get too hot and heavy. Lisa Lisa is wise enough to know that “if we get together / Emotions will go to work / And I may do something I might regret the next day.” Not every boyfriend can be as perfect a gentleman as Jermaine Stewart, so don’t even give the horny little bugger a chance; go home to your own place and take a cold shower instead.
11. Frank Zappa: “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?”
(from Joe’s Garage Act I, 1979; available on Joe’s Garage Acts 1, 2 & 3)
Frank Zappa is an artist I normally wouldn’t recommend to anyone, least of all the young, impressionable readers of this blog (I’ve been led to believe that this blog is intended for 13-to-16-year-olds). Even if I were to ignore his depraved lyrical sensibility, his smug opposition to the Parents Music Resource Center during the mid-’80s was more than enough to land him a permanent spot on my naughty list. But even a loathsome character like Zappa can sometimes serve a higher purpose by demonstrating the dangers that await when you follow in his dirty hippie footsteps. Case in point: “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?,” a rock ballad that doubles as a harrowing description of the ravages of sexually transmitted disease. Do you want your “balls” to “feel like a pair of maracas?” No? Then you’d better not go poking your pee-pee where it doesn’t belong, because I assure you, whatever Frank might say, you don’t catch that kind of thing “from a toilet seat.”
12. Kool Moe Dee: “Go See the Doctor”
(from Kool Moe Dee, 1986)
Another great song about the risk of sexually transmitted infection, this rap by Kool Moe Dee contains possibly the best advice to young men ever given: “If I see another girl and I get an erection / I’m walking in the other direction / ‘Cause I don’t want to do the sick sick dance / So I’m keeping my prick inside my pants.” It’s a shame that Mr. Moe Dee had to get burned before he came to this realization, but at least now we can all learn from his mistakes.
13. Marvin Sease: “Everything You Eat Ain’t Good”
(from Playa Haters, 2004)
It’s easy to discount the advice of a man who gave up being a gospel artist in order to build a musical catalog practically devoted to salacious acts. Although much of Sease’s “good advice” usually involves performing cunnilingus as often as possible, in “Everything You Eat Ain’t Good,” Sease professes that in an age when Sexually Transmitted Infections run rampant and men are indiscriminately eating out any woman they come in contact with, “you gotta stop eatin’ everybody’s soup!” Sease even gives us an easily understood equation for knowing when a woman is clean: “If it looks like soup, but smells like eggs… or if it looks like ham, but smells like fish… don’t eat it.”
14. DJ Quik: “Can I Eat It?”
(from Safe + Sound, 1995)
But there are plenty of other reasons to abstain from cunnilingus, aside from the obvious risk of consuming “soup” that smells like eggs. First and foremost, there’s the scientifically documented fact that the baby Jesus sheds a single tear every time you copulate in any way besides vaginal intercourse with the male partner on top; it’s called the “missionary position” for a reason, people. But there are practical concerns as well, as outlined in graphic detail–arguably too much so–by DJ Quik: cramps in your neck, hair in your teeth, a sore back, and “a little ho humpin’ in your face like she on the dance flo’,” for starters. Plus there’s the fact that “all coochie got a taste to it.” Basically, vaginas are disgusting, and if you own one, you should be ashamed and never let anyone’s mouth anywhere near it.
15. Neil Diamond: “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon”
(from Just for You, 1967; available on All-Time Greatest Hits)
I’m going to be honest here, since I’m pretty sure nobody is reading this crummy blog anyway: I’m not actually all that clear on the specifics of female puberty. Oh, I know more than enough to be an authority; it’s just that whenever I think too much about the “V-word” (even just saying it makes me feel dirty), I get light in the head and have to sit down and think about manly things for a while. That’s why I’m glad Neil Diamond wrote “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon,” because it encapsulates everything that’s truly important about the transition to young womanhood. Yes, all kinds of things are going on with your body, but the important thing isn’t understanding it, it’s being ashamed and finding another source of self-worth. Or, as Diamond puts it, “soon, you’ll need a man.”
16. Night Ranger: “Sister Christian”
(from Midnight Madness, 1984)
Another coming-of-age song for the young ladies, “Sister Christian” was written and sung by Night Ranger drummer Kelly Keagy for his teenaged sister as she reached sexual maturity, which is heartwarming, commendable, and not creepy at all. I’d like to end on this song not only because it sets its message for young women to safeguard their sexuality to a rousing power-ballad chorus, but also because it draws much-needed attention to the dangerous teenage trend of “motoring.” I didn’t know what motoring was until recently, when one of my students pointed me to this Urban Dictionary link; I was, needless to say, appalled. So thank you, Night Ranger, for raising awareness about the motoring scourge. And to the young readers out there, remember: just because it feels good doesn’t mean you should do it. In fact, if it feels good, that’s probably a good sign that you shouldn’t be doing it at all.